It’s time for this nitty gritty post to go live. I’ve been drafting old “nitty” and hiding all the “gritty” even from myself. But today is a new day and I’m letting it out. So, hide yo’ wife, hide yo’ kids, here goes, ya’ll…
Confession: The recent months have seemed like a blur. It felt like the roller coaster ended, but my head was still spinning.
I was having one of those weeks where every stitch of clothing in our home that “should” be washed, was not washed. Every single mug, cup, saucer or storage container was pilled high in the sink – all dirty. We had resorted to drinking coffee out of measuring cups.
Unfortunately we were giving into the nasty habit of piling the clean, clothes-to-be-folded stack all on top of the guest bed, in hopes that the laundry fairy will take care of them overnight…only to find the pile much bigger the following day. So poor GuestBed was caving under about 60 pounds of laundry.
My Orlando sister-friend – the one who helped me christen my love for all things Audrey Hepburn – let me unload all my luggage of the “Mean Reds” on her. she listened. again.
It’s not like the blues. And it’s not like the yucks. And it’s not even like my case of “I’m sick for pickled pigs feet” either. – this is beyond all that. Just beyond.
You know there are days you just feel – frumpy. or gross. or just blaghk. But you can get in the car, or sit in front of the mirror and do your make up for an extra 10 minutes while listening to The Morning Show in the background, read a devotional, say a prayer and it all seems to start balancing out. You just move on. Well the past few weeks….or maybe, months, that “moving on” button was not resetting. I think it got some syrup on it, from eating too many pancakes in bed one day – and I just could not muster the energy to fix that “I’m ok today” reset button.
Honestly, I haven’t been ok. And my husband, poor sweet baby honey tender soul, (bless his heart), has dealt the brunt of it — along with my heavenly husband, Jesus. (bless his heart too.) They have loved me. unconditionally. Although somedays I’ve questioned even that much. I’ve pleaded with one and prayed to the other, “please just love me.” Knowing, they surely do, but feeling, truly “how could they?” I mean LOOK at me! I’m a mess. I’m beyond a mess. I’m a wreck.
I’ve gone for months with no prayers, just tears, since saying goodbye to the beautiful life. And then there were no more tears to cry, only questions, anger, new realms of resentment and bitterness.
And I got to that point when I thought it must be the lowest possible point ever, hanging on by a thread. Another week goes by, I realize “now this is the lowest.” – and then the next day hits hard. nope. here it is. I found myself no longer comparing days of glory, but instead the depth upon new depth of my sorrow.
But the moment the rope slipped out of my hand, the very moment I lost my grip, letting go of every shred of hope left inside me, I get a text message. A friend was thinking about me. She asked us to dinner that night. The following day, more emails, facebook love and letters from friends who were just thinking about me. The next day, a whirlwind of love from another friend. And a few nights later another sushi dinner date with friends.
But that friday Afternoon in the midst of all of these beautiful hands extended, as if God were saying “this is how I love you,” I received a very timely phone call from one special Audrey-loving friend. It was our second long-distant-friend call that week. A few days earlier, she shared of her own “red moments” and I listened, we committed to “link arms” and prayed, like I know to do. But I hung up questioning how God could hear a prayer from this heart that was in so much disarray. But He did.
He used that sweet friend to bless me back two days later when she called me and listened. I broke down and balled like a baby while confessing how disordered and discontent my life was. YES! ME! The one who is supposed to always have it together. The Church Girl. The Sunday School Teacher.
Instead of simply patting me on the back like a good Christian friend, she did more. She took action. Immediately. She overnighted me a book. Express Mail. Saturday morning special delivery. And it was not just any book. It was the EXACT book for my moment — and for her’s too. She counseled me with the grace and wisdom of a little old church grandma.
The following day was filled again with FRIENDS and football!
Thank God for friends.
Thank you Lord for beginning a great new work in me and for purging another layer back from the onion of my soul.
I am happy to report, the guest bed is cleared of its six…teen loads of laundry.
And sweet tender soul honey bunny has been happy to see me smiling at 8AM while making homemade pancakes for him.
…and I finally let Jesus help me clean that sticky syrup off my reset button, and is helping me move forward.
If you have found yourself living out the nitty-gritty or the mean reds, I know our God can help rescue you too!